I wish I could say my absence from the cyberwaves has been a result of my having reached my goal. I wish I could tell you I was superhot and I haven't been blogging because I haven't NEEDED blogging. However, saying any of those things would be a whole bunch of false.
I've been absent from the cyberwaves because I've been hilar-busy. And I've been absent from the cyberwaves because, honestly, I've been feeling like a big pile of turds recently. A big pile of failure turds. I have failed at being fit, I have failed at doing more, I have failed at doing less, I have failed in a house, I have failed with a mouse, etc.
And I have failed at writing actual words...to the point where my father points my failures out to me. (Normally, I wouldn't "out" an anonymous commenter, except that he already outed himself in the comment.)
...And that really is the last straw. I am nearly 30, and there are still numerous things that I can't do without my parents. This, above all, makes me feel decidedly not hot. Though I have a pretty reasonable income, I still feel as though I need to ask them for permission to do things from time to time...like take vacations with money that I legitimately earned and saved. Hell, I can't even string a sentence together without some input.
Now, I don't really know what to do about it. I've tried gently suggesting that I don't need their help. I've had screaming fights that, I think, more than gently suggest that I'd like a litte breathing room. But that's a thing I fail at also. I find it difficult to suggest to the people upon whom I was so dependent (for more than a quarter century) that I don't want their help anymore without feeling like a complete ingrate or a tantrum-throwing two-year-old screaming "No! I wanna do it."
But it's that attitude that's gotten me to this feeling of a big giant, steaming pile of failure-turds. My unrelenting attitude of doing everything that's offered to me that I have the slightest inkling that I might want to try has resulted in my having succeeded at only a few of them (since, you know, I can't be amazing at everything...like hot people would be). And now I feel like I'm frantically treading water and my limbs are burning with fatigue and all I want to do now is drown in my bedsheets. Sigh.
Not Quite Legal Advice
10 years ago
I am your brother. I am remarkably perceptive and intelligent.
ReplyDeleteI also do not hear from our parents for extended periods, to the point that they haven't the foggiest notion of what my financial situation is (except mom is pretty aware of it, because I like to gloat about it at her).
And I don't mean to appear as though I'm gloating at you in noting my higher level of independence from our parents, but rather, I suggest that you ask MY advice on things, because I am remarkably perceptive and intelligent.
Ok I am not normally one to comment on here but this post drove me to it. There is a long long list of things you have accomplished lady!
ReplyDeleteNine long years of schooling, (I am not going to mention the top of the
class thing)…BUT you should have! Moving to a strange place, knowing no one, and making a pretty darn good life for yourself. Jumped in both feet! Not something just anyone could do!
Sure things could be different but suck it up and look at all the things you did
manage to accomplish! Ok I could go on, but will not but I’m just sayin…
there are those that wish they were you! Enjoy your triumphs and to hell with those that do not see beyond your small failures!The best years of your life are ahead of you!!!!
W.C
Hot people take hot baths, pour themselves fingers of Scotch, and sleep in until noon, at which time they awaken to find that the steaming piles of turd are actually steaming piles of sticky toffee puddings; and despite the fact that these same hot people may actually be sitting up in bed with kitties and books and lattes, they simultaneously seem to be standing on their own two feet.
ReplyDelete