Hot People Move (or, How I Spent My Summer Vacation): Part 3, Bike

As I'm sure any faithful reader has gathered, I like to cycle, and despite being in the hilly Canadian Shield, I'm finding these hills much more manageable than the ones in New Brunswick that begin at sea level. Again, make no mistake. I am not a "cyclist" (except, of course, when it makes me seem extra heroic or athletic to say so). I don't own any fancy shorts or spandex tops. I can't cycle 100km/d ad nauseom and I don't have one of those super hero-shaped helmets. Mostly, again, I like to go fast...usually downhill, because it's less work that way.

Cycling around here also comes with lots of scenery, and wildlife...especially if you don't mind seeing two-dimensional chipmunks and rabbits (helpfully flattened by the tire of a local F150), with occasional partial internal anatomy, or Jackson Pollock-esque renderings of leopard frogs. Sorry. That was gross.

Anyway, I've been cycling a lot here, training for my 20km commute to work this fall (yay bike paths!) and attempting to undo all the dessert-eating I've been doing with my grandmother. My greatest feat thus far has been a 37km loop. Hardcore cyclists (such as those I allude to in my illustration of the sort of cyclist I am not) will scoff at that, but it's my longest ride to date and I'm proud of it (so nyeah).

It was, however, not without incident. The trip started with some pretty, and familiar scenery. However, just before I turned into new territory, I heard a loud and unfamiliar sound. I soon realized I was being chased by three (rather angry sounding) unleashed dogs who appeared to believe that my ankles looked like they might be tasty. I had to ride for my life, and I outrode them! When I was sure I was not going to be eaten by a pack of rabid dogs (three's a pack, right?), I stopped for a rest and admired this cabbage patch.

I soon turned again into even less familiar territory, at which point the pavement ended. The dirt road that followed seemed to be covered with looser and looser sand...to the point where I amused myself with the notion that I was riding through the Guinness World Record holder for longest outdoor sandbox. Seriously, you could have made some sweet castles with that shit. My amusement was also tempered with the fear that at any moment I would be met by an Ed Gein or Michael Myers lookalike, brandishing a chainsaw, who would drag me to some cabin in the middle of the forest to carry out some sinister and unspeakable deeds on my person. Houses on this road, you see, were few and far between, so only the trees would be able to hear my scream (and, presumably, the rabbits, chipmunks and frogs not yet dispatched by the tire of a pick-up).

Fortunately, I emerged from the forest unscathed to the intersection of Rockingham (I say intersection rather than village or community because it consists of a stop sign and an historic church) From there I continued my thereafter mostly uphill battle (which I gave up on the last leg of the UP). While the view at the top suggested I'd reached lofty heights, the ensuing downhill, though fast, was not as satisfying as I'd hoped, and when I'd reached the last intersection of my trip, (upon which a stand of red pine once stood, until obliterated by the great tornado of aught-seven), my legs were more or less ready to fall off, despite (or perhaps because of) their knowledge that there were only five more or less flat kilometres to go.

Anyway, I reached home with the knowledge that this feat was also achieved...and it feels pretty good to have been a country girl driving on the 401 through Toronto without fear, and to have sailed my grandmother's Laser without falling out or getting stuck in a reef, and to have taken my longest bike-ride ever despite the (real) threat of hungry dogs and the (imagined) threat of chainsaw-wielding homicidal maniacs.

My return to a city (an unfamiliar one) is impending, and if my quest for hotness (I achieved some goals, right? Hot people do that...) seems to be going too successfully, I am sure my new habitat will provide me with plenty of opportunity for blunders and mishaps on the road to being hot. Fear not.

How People Move (or, How I Spent My Summer Vacation): Part 2, Boat

I learned to sail when I was 12 or 13. I am not an expert. At all. I use the boat less as a means to get from point A to point B and more as a way to go fast.

And when I say I learned, please don't misunderstand the method. Most people I know who sail took very expensive lessons at very expensive (I imagine) yacht clubs with guys (I imagine again) named Chad and Landon who are dressed (and coiffed) like the cast of Saved by the Bell when they all worked at Malibu Sands Beach Club, and have hyphenated surnames. I've obviously spent a lot of time considering the sailing lessons of others.

I learned to sail by getting in this boat (which is ancient) and straining to hear by Dad and grandfather screaming from shore for me to "Come about! Come about! Pull on the rope! The other rope! The other, other rope! Go left! Not your left, my left!" and so on.

I've been spending the past three weeks or so (save for my trip to Hamilton) with my grandmother at her cottage. I am the oldest of her grandchildren but we're all really at the age where we have to work through most of the summer, so I think she misses the noise and the company. It's a pity, too, because it's beautiful here, even on freezing cold days such as this one. The result of her relative loneliness is that any time there is a glint of sunlight, it magically becomes "great swimming weather" (my mother and uncles recall a time when this meant all weather save for lightning storms) and any time there is any breath of wind it's "wonderful sailing weather."

The first time she told me this, (which I automatically translate to its true meaning: please go sailing now) it was actually TERRIBLE weather for sailing, unless of course, ones' boat had a motor. I actually tried using the rudder as a propeller (those of you who sail will understand the futility of this measure), lest I get stuck in the middle of the lake.

The next "great sailing weather" day proved more fruitful and was generally a success, in that I went fast, did not fall out of the boat (this has happened to me more times than I care to admit), and managed to steer clear of the lake's numerous booby traps, which include a reef, an old log sticking up out of the water (called, in my family, the dead head), numerous sand bars and cross-breezes, and I learned recently, an old logging crib.

Not bad for someone who learned by straining for poor directions muffled by the wind.

Hot People Move (or, How I Spent My Summer Vacation): Part 1, Car

This is part 1 of a tale of my mastery (?!) of three forms of transportation.

I undertook to travel from rural central Ontario to the great mecca of steel and pollution known as Hamilton to visit one of my oldest friends (and the newest addition to her family). This caused my mother a great deal of stress because rather than using my normal method of complicated pick-ups and drop-offs, depending on the kindness of strangers, with train or bus interludes, I elected this time to rent a car, which meant I would have to drive by myself on the 401 through Toronto. The fact that I maneuvred her car (while she was in it to bear witness) through torrential rains that seemed as though someone was standing on the rof of the car dumping bucket after bucket of water on the windshield (turns out I was driving through a tornado...true story) was of no consequence to her. Nor were my repeated statements that I had driven in Montreal on countless occasions (unless, of course, you can count past two). All she would tell me was that it "wasn't the same."

Well, perhaps I'm foolhardier than most, and perhaps I timed it perfectly to avoid rush hour (more likely), but the trips both there and back were more or less uneventful (Except, of course, for the horrifying experience I had returning the vehicle, in which I uber-failed at backing into a parking space while my Dad watched with an expression of extreme disappointment in my driving skills). The visit was also pleasantly without incident. We ate, watched movies, and I bought this cute jacket for the baby.

...Because hot people buy hot jackets for their hot friends' babies so that they may also, one day, be hot. Incidentally, this picture had the only smile in the bunch, which was unusual for such a smiley baby. As it turned out, he had a diaper-full which when discovered explained the lack of grin. I wasn't grinning either. And, although he was lovely and made me less afraid of babies (since it appeared that simply wrinkling my nose would make him giggle), I also learned that I can certainly survive a few more years without one of my own...unless, of course, they start making odor-free models.

Hot People Road Trip

Uninspired ramblings from my move cross-country.

Stop 1 - 3:59 am AST. Breakfast in Elmsdale. Still dark. So tired. Poured Tim Horton's coffee into the thermos.













Stop 2 - 4:04 am AST. Gas up at Elmsdale Petro-Can (in my head I'm saying Elumsdale). Mysterious 24-hr gas station in the woods with even more mysterious security system. Old bugs washed off windows.










5:11 am AST. Springhill, NS billboard: You should see us now! (What were you like before?!?!)

5:?? am AST. New Brunswick billboard: No small wonders! (or big ones?)

Stop 3 - 6:08 am AST. Gas up in Moncton/Magnetic Hill. CBC reports Stephen Harper eating seal. Bold political move, but no accounting for taste. Sun just coming up. Poured Tim Horton's coffee out of thermos. Into lap.










Stop 4 - 9:53 am AST. Gas up in Edmundston. Jeezly hot. In & out of not quite sleep. Pleased, since I missed most of boring NB TCH.










Stop 5 - 12:09 pm EST. Listening to Dion album. Man, nothing ever goes right for that guy. Driver nearly kills us missing a stop sign at the Laurier Station Ultramar. Getting very hot and very hungry.










3:00 p.m. EST. Discovered Ontario.

Hot People Take it Off and Take Stock

I've been internetless for the better part of a month, so these are catch-up posts - for those interested.

Waxing is nothing, if not a journey of discovery.

All warnings that I would scream out in pain at my first bikini wax were false. While it certainly was not like Christmas morning (except perhaps the one where my parents thought it would be hilarious to stuff my stocking with coal-shaped black licorice - which was quite painful indeed to my four-year old self), it was significantly less painful than I had prepared myself for, although the esthetician did suggest that the services she provided were nothing more than a "good starting point..." (I thought that full pictorial disclosure was not necessary in this case)

The waxing appointment also provided me with the discovery that, despite being appropriately waxed, I am not ready for a bikini. I came to this conclusion whilst sitting, pantsless, on the edge of the spa table wearing a pair of disposable underwear (this is a place I never thought I'd find myself). I was waiting for the esthetician to return with a pot of steaming hot wax, and had time to reflect upon the rolls made by my stomach flubber. When I realized I couldn't tell which roll was hiding my belly button (Now we're ALL glad I decided against pictures, aren't we?), I decided I could compromise with a tankini (obviously, though, with boob support).

I still have some questions about waxing, though. While I understand that it requires maintenance, I'm not sure how much, how often...any suggestions?

More contemplations: I'm moving again...and once again I'm finding myself taking stock of where I am, what I'm leaving behind and where I'm going. Where living in New Brunswick felt like a kind of limbo, this feels like a new beginning. This is good because I don't really feel like I've attained that hotness goal yet (and if hotness is a state of mind, feeling as though I've not succeeded yet must mean I've not succeeded yet).

I guess that since it's been six months since I started this blog, now is as good a time as any to redesign my strategy...so I'll be hot 6 months from now.

No, now.

Ok...NOW!

You get it.