Maybe it's the perpetual cycle of cruel teasing sunniness followed by inexplicable snow, rain and cloudy weather. Maybe it's the cosmic coincidence that I woke up both slightly hungover AND with my monthly inconvenience and could do little more this morning than haul my sorry ass from the bed, to the bath (standing up in the shower was just too much for me today), to the couch to watch a children's film and drink copious amounts of milky tea. Maybe it's because my new hairdresser alerted me to the presence of grey hair in my coif last week, and now every time I look at myself in the mirror, I keep thinking I see huge chunks of grey. Maybe it's the fact that, though I was invited to something party-esque last night (social life! huzzah!) and got pleasantly tipsy, tipsiness yesterday always results in feelings like this today.
I don't know what it is, but I'm kind of in an emo funk (imagine the fusion of THOSE musical genres...blech...well, that's how I feel). I've been writing this stuff for over a year now - and I think I have improved on the hotness front. I think I'm a lot more interesting than I was just over a year ago...for serious. It's been hard work, too - or at least painful - what with the brazilian waxes, unfortunate skin reactions due to experiments with makeups, face creams, and cleansers, and constant attempts to get my bicycle up hilariously steep hills in an effort to make my ass look sweet. But what am I doing this for? And for whom?
This whole thing started as a way to feel good about myself - and to a certain extent it's worked. But I still find myself feeling like this a little more often than I'd like. And what have I really got to show for it, anyway? A handful of slightly regrettable one-night stands (some only regrettable because they never got past that one night), a few pounds melted away (but really, only a few), a better handle on the application of makeup, slightly more flattering clothing and a seriously twisted co-dependent relationship with online dating sites.
And when feeling good about myself didn't seem to be motivation enough, I added spite to the mix - remember plan ab-tastic? I'm 100% sure that decision was all about making dudes who'd taken a pass on me experience palpable regret when they realize they missed out on the hot, hot bod I will, of course, one day have.
But now I'm pretty sure that I'm measuring my self-like by how much boys like me. And I think it's been that way for quite some time. AND I think that's not really very hot at all.
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Incidentally, I think I discovered, through observational study of behaviour, the secret to my not really caring if particular boys like me. Guy friends: if you suspect I'm interested in being more than friends with you and you'd like to leave that particular queue (cuz I'll be honest, there are more than a few of you out there), here's what you should do. Do something forgivably dick-ish to me. Seriously. I mean, not super dick-ish - unless you also want to stop being friends altogether. "Accidentally" tell me I look fat in those pants, then subsequently apologise. That kind of thing. I'm pretty sure this is a no-fail plan.
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So, back to the original question - why am I doing this? For whom?
I think it's kind of a cliché and sell-out-y to decide I'm hot when some guy I think is kind of cute decides I'm hot for me. It's got to be for some other reason.
In the last four months, almost 500 people have read this blog almost 1500 times. I'm not adept enough with my analytics program to know if that's a lot of people or not, but those are pretty astounding numbers to me. But why? Seriously, what are you reading this for? Because if I'm inspiring people, then I think that's hot. Even if it's just because I'm funny - that'd be ok too. Hot people are funny. Could I get some help with my crisis of conscience, or should I just pack it in?
Not Quite Legal Advice
11 years ago
... Isn't it nearly as cliché these days to say "I'm doing this for me!"
ReplyDeleteFeminism is like communism. It always fails due to abuse/misunderstanding of the principles. People wandering around tossing off ridiculous girl-power statements, and then huddling in the corner crying later on. Sigh.
... I had a point.
You have had issues about relying on the opinions of others for your self-validation, and it goes back to early childhood. Seriously. Maybe it's an Oldest Child personality bias. I really don't know.
Point is, you don't need to 'get hot' for anybody, including yourself. "Getting hot" should be a process of self-improvement, as opposed to losing weight and being more attractive to boys.
Regardless of whether there's any practical reason for hot-get, be it boy-get or happy-get, the philosopher in me (he's eating chocolate!) thinks it's a greater thing to TRY to improve yourself (in a holistic sort of way) than to actually reach the goal. The journey, as opposed to the destination and all that cliché jankiness.
I'm really just trying to sell you some Nietzsche. Take it.
I'm going to be honest here... I'm reading this because I see some of myself in the things you talk about. Only feeling hot when boys pay attention? Hello, right here! Attempting numerous plans to get in shape and somehow things just don't work out? HI! lol.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm saying is I'm reading this because it's nice to see when other people are going through the same thing. Though you're far more eloquent than I could ever be in your discussions of your misfortunes :)
Do what makes you happy, Morag!
-DJ
I read because I find wisdom in your experiences. I thoroughly enjoy your wit and your skill with language. I read many many blogs, but I am always very excited to see a new post from you. Your words are genuine, smart, and entertaining. I agree with Hatebunny (hey there by the way) - It is all about the journey. Thank you so much for letting me expereince just a little bit of it with you. :)
ReplyDeleteMiss T.
ReplyDeleteDon't stop! As Enlightndone says it's always exciting to see another post from you!
They make me smile and sometimes even lol that alone is worth my time to read it.
It would be missed by many, your way with words puts people right there in the moment with you. A book in the making!